Sunday, January 5, 2014


Heres a gross selfie for you so you know I'm smiling:
I'm sorry this has been taking me so long. I've been feeling extremely uninspired recently (duh) and I promise you I've been trying to write stuff but its almost impossible. But today I felt determined. Fresh out of the disgusting rehab shower and ready to go!!

My life has changed so much in the past month so I don't really know how to begin. I have so many stories in my head about so many instances and people and hospitals, and ambulance rides and conversations that trying to find a starting point is crazily hard. Right now, I'm sitting in my ghetto wheelchair. making really strange grunting noises cause my left leg always hurts, and talking to my momma about how to make this post interesting. She says just to stop trying to please you guys and write how I'm really feeling.

So, how I'm really feeling is this strange mix of emotions that I'm going to try to explain but it might just come out like blah. I'm obviously sad, and angry, and totally devastated. The accident ruined everything for us. I'm grieving the loss of my beautiful, beautiful sister, and the loss of my body. A body that I hated so much before this which was SO STUPID. I had an amazing body that worked and functioned and I despised it and I'm so, so angry at myself for that. Whenever I think of/hear a girl say "ugh I'm so fat" "I HATE my body" "I don't have a thigh gap. Kill me." it makes me want to shove a pencil through there ear because THEY HAVE A BODY. Yes, I know I have one too, but it isn't the same. I want to go on walks with my best friend Max and appreciate everything we pass. I want to run down eight flights of metal stairs with my best friend Danni trying to make the most noise imaginable. I want to go iceskating with Melanie and have dance parties with Lucy. I want to go to camp and do yoga and play gaga. I want to move and walk and run and dance and I may never have that. All my friends are like "You don't know that! You're getting better!!!!!! YOU WILL WALK! YOU WILL DANCE!!" And yeah. Maybe I will… but more likely I won't. Which is so suck. So, so suck.
And wheelchair/paralyzed life is incredibly frustrating. Getting pants on becomes like, a half hour activity. If you knew before this, you would know that I am an extremely independent person who absolutley HATES asking for help with anything. (except for laundry lol). And now I need help with what seems like everything.Which is so frustrating for someone like me.Yes, I have grown to be way more independent in the past two weeks, but needing help to do something as simple as using the bathroom is so degrading and dehumanizing I can't even begin to explain it. agh.

Alright. So on top of all these awful feelings, I have so many beautiful happy feelings as well. Before this I was lonley and depressed. I felt isolated and felt like no one loved me. After the accident I realized how incredibly wrong I was. There are so many people who care about me. I have friends and family visiting me everyday. My mom has turned into wonder woman and has been taking amazing care of me. My father has been going back and forth between Massachusetts and New York City to  take care of me of take care of me as much as he can. My aunt has been visiting me all the way from Cairo, Egypt. And my friends! Oh my god my friends. I could never ask for better friends. They come here everyday, ignoring all the other fun things they could be doing other than sitting in a hospital, and talk to me and laugh with me and sing with me and most of all take care of me and it is so beautiful. I love you guys so much. Thank you.
★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★  ★   
But even with these positive emotions the negative ones usually kick in more. I really hate being here. Although this place works magic. It has become suffocating. My dad always says to take it one day at a time. Nikita says to celebrate the small achievements. Max says to just keep wiggling.

And thats what I'm gonna do. I wiggle everyday and magically I can now move my right leg side to side, kick it from the knee down pretty high, and squeeze my quad. (Look! I'm using fancy physical therapist words!) And my left leg which we considered the derp leg can twitch and wiggle! And as of two days ago I can kick it just a little bit!

My fingers are crossed and I'll never stop wiggling.
Much love to everyone.

also if you have any ideas on what i should write about or if you have any questions (a frequently asked questions post?) you can comment or shoot me an email. xoxox