Tuesday, February 18, 2014


HI!!!!! I'm so sorry I've disappeared off the face of the planet. I'm still here….
Um heres yet another terrible selfie to show you guys how strong I'm getting….
peep da pit hair doe
I guess the reason I haven't been updating very much is because I don't really feel like anything needs updating. I've sort have been caught in this dazed mix of days that are so similar they all mush together.
Its not that I'm not making any progress. Its just that the accomplishments Ive been making don't even feel significant. Being able to kick my leg or move it in and out or even stand up with a walker feels so small. I was able to do all those things when I was a baby. Isn't it weird how your body can get so much younger but your brain get so much older? Yes, I celebrate my achievements but, hell, I want to dance and crash through waves and walk. Being able to stand for a nano second and fall on my face doesn't have any significance to me. Its such an awful injury because not only do doctors not tell you certain things, they also just don't know everything. All the possibilities with spinal cord injuries (especially incomplete ones like mine) are so unknown. Its just the horror of knowing every day could be my limit. Just the maximum recovery I'm going to achieve and knowing that is terrifying.

And I'm watching people leave here. Amazing friends leave here. Its so bitter sweet to watch a patient leave because you know its all they want and whats best for them, but you also want them there because they know exactly how you're feeling. Oh my gosh, I've made such incredible friends here. One girl, and eleven year old from Brooklyn, and I became good friends and watching her leave was incredibly painful for me. She had been shot by some mistake of a human being (actually I hate this man(? human? creature?) so much) and was also paralyzed below the waist but even more than me. Every night she would come in my room and hang out with me and my friends and we all just loved her so much. She was so witty and hilarious. She could sass any nurse and still charm them with her amazing personality. She left because she had achieved her maximum and sometimes that doesn't mean walking out of here or even standing out of here and it is so heart breaking to watch. I drew her a picture and wrote her a card (which she framed) to hang in her new fabulous room. Another kid I became very close with was another spinal cord injury patient who had been shot. He was 14. A basketball player, determined to someday get back on the court. This kid has so so so much faith and he never let anyone forget it. He inspired me so much on the awful days where being a human almost didn't even seem an option. And he was so talented. In our gym there was this crappy little keyboard. He decided to make use of his time here and teach himself how to play. He gave that dumb little instrument life again. I don't know how he did it. He would just sit in his room for hours watching youtube videos and playing and playing with so much drive. We taught ourselves duets and we'ed play them for the nurses. We had so much fun. He was really hard to see go. He used to tell me, "I'm not leaving unless I'm walking out of here." and he'd say it with such determination you truly believed him.  But eventually theres nothing they can do with you short term and your goals become goals for the long run. If you're reading this, I'm sorry to say this like such a little white girl, but *I have such tremendous faith in you and thank you so much for telling me not to give up. You're such an incredible human being. thankyouthankyouthankyou.* And now it seems like I'm the lone survivor of the initial group I was admitted into. Which sucks but maybe I'm next(?!???)

I have friends visiting me everyday… here are some pictures
(also I turn 15.. whoa? also a boy likes me and I like him back. shit man. teenage blah still exist in hell.)

me and my cousin jakey
me and my olive bear
me and nikita


melanie and meeee

chillin wit my boy mac demarco
reggie watts!

the king and queen of cute max and ruby

 I'm not sure what else to say. I should probably go to bed because I basically have to do gym class all day (huzzah.) Im basically swimming in a sea of all the same days so I guess it doesn't matter. Also I got my cartilage pierced. And another earring for my sister. Heres a picture of me and my sister. (you will forever and always be my number one)
I swear I'll be more on top of this blog. I already have a post planned I think. Also! I read all of your beautiful comments. Thank you all so much for your love and support. Uhm I also heard that my sisters best friend, Emillio was taking this all super hard and I just wanted to say I'm here for you little buddy and I'm crushed too, but together we can be crushed together.