Tuesday, February 18, 2014

IS SHE STILL HERE?

HI!!!!! I'm so sorry I've disappeared off the face of the planet. I'm still here….
Um heres yet another terrible selfie to show you guys how strong I'm getting….
peep da pit hair doe
I guess the reason I haven't been updating very much is because I don't really feel like anything needs updating. I've sort have been caught in this dazed mix of days that are so similar they all mush together.
Its not that I'm not making any progress. Its just that the accomplishments Ive been making don't even feel significant. Being able to kick my leg or move it in and out or even stand up with a walker feels so small. I was able to do all those things when I was a baby. Isn't it weird how your body can get so much younger but your brain get so much older? Yes, I celebrate my achievements but, hell, I want to dance and crash through waves and walk. Being able to stand for a nano second and fall on my face doesn't have any significance to me. Its such an awful injury because not only do doctors not tell you certain things, they also just don't know everything. All the possibilities with spinal cord injuries (especially incomplete ones like mine) are so unknown. Its just the horror of knowing every day could be my limit. Just the maximum recovery I'm going to achieve and knowing that is terrifying.

And I'm watching people leave here. Amazing friends leave here. Its so bitter sweet to watch a patient leave because you know its all they want and whats best for them, but you also want them there because they know exactly how you're feeling. Oh my gosh, I've made such incredible friends here. One girl, and eleven year old from Brooklyn, and I became good friends and watching her leave was incredibly painful for me. She had been shot by some mistake of a human being (actually I hate this man(? human? creature?) so much) and was also paralyzed below the waist but even more than me. Every night she would come in my room and hang out with me and my friends and we all just loved her so much. She was so witty and hilarious. She could sass any nurse and still charm them with her amazing personality. She left because she had achieved her maximum and sometimes that doesn't mean walking out of here or even standing out of here and it is so heart breaking to watch. I drew her a picture and wrote her a card (which she framed) to hang in her new fabulous room. Another kid I became very close with was another spinal cord injury patient who had been shot. He was 14. A basketball player, determined to someday get back on the court. This kid has so so so much faith and he never let anyone forget it. He inspired me so much on the awful days where being a human almost didn't even seem an option. And he was so talented. In our gym there was this crappy little keyboard. He decided to make use of his time here and teach himself how to play. He gave that dumb little instrument life again. I don't know how he did it. He would just sit in his room for hours watching youtube videos and playing and playing with so much drive. We taught ourselves duets and we'ed play them for the nurses. We had so much fun. He was really hard to see go. He used to tell me, "I'm not leaving unless I'm walking out of here." and he'd say it with such determination you truly believed him.  But eventually theres nothing they can do with you short term and your goals become goals for the long run. If you're reading this, I'm sorry to say this like such a little white girl, but *I have such tremendous faith in you and thank you so much for telling me not to give up. You're such an incredible human being. thankyouthankyouthankyou.* And now it seems like I'm the lone survivor of the initial group I was admitted into. Which sucks but maybe I'm next(?!???)

I have friends visiting me everyday… here are some pictures
(also I turn 15.. whoa? also a boy likes me and I like him back. shit man. teenage blah still exist in hell.)

me and my cousin jakey
me and my olive bear
me and nikita


juuude

dannniii
melanie and meeee


chillin wit my boy mac demarco
reggie watts!


the king and queen of cute max and ruby

 I'm not sure what else to say. I should probably go to bed because I basically have to do gym class all day (huzzah.) Im basically swimming in a sea of all the same days so I guess it doesn't matter. Also I got my cartilage pierced. And another earring for my sister. Heres a picture of me and my sister. (you will forever and always be my number one)
iloveyouimissyouwhyisthisme
I swear I'll be more on top of this blog. I already have a post planned I think. Also! I read all of your beautiful comments. Thank you all so much for your love and support. Uhm I also heard that my sisters best friend, Emillio was taking this all super hard and I just wanted to say I'm here for you little buddy and I'm crushed too, but together we can be crushed together.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Ruby-Joy




21 comments:

  1. Another inspiring blog post from a special person. I can't imagine how foggy each day must seem. How they all must feel the same. It amazes me how strong you are, and have become from this tragedy. You are a warrior, a soldier, a fighter, and that is something that I respect and praise. Every night I try to fall asleep and I can't. I think a lot, before I go to bed, about a lot. I think these blog posts will inspire many people Ruby. Tonight it has inspired me once again. To go out there and be the best I can be. Keep fighting Ruby, because I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you are making your way towards it. All these little steps you are making are HUGE steps. You just can't see it yet. I love you kiddo. You are really one in a million.
    Cousin Jakey

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  2. You're amazing, and I know this sounds like, like you said, a little white girl thing to say, but you're such an inspiration and by the way, I love your purple hair and your dress in those photos, where did you get it (the dress, not the hair, lol)?

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  3. I love you so much more than any words that I can collect. You have taught me all about how to accept change. We all have small...almost undetectable changes that happen everyday. One like what you are going through really has taught me how important it is to embrace shifting into the new realities that I am presented with. You have shown me that success in life comes from being as adaptable to change as possible. Even when it is so hard and so painful...you are so so brave. You my love....are my role model. You are a fucking SUPERHERO. I love you.




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  4. Ruby Joy, hope my not good enough English will be excused... you write so good, you describe what you are going through so beautiful and clear, you mix the pain and Difficulty with humor, sassy and witty are understatements! who knows, maybe this awful Injury will shift your talent and make the dancer in you a journalist! dancing with words...
    This tragedic crash changed your life upside down and made you grow up in the speed of light, but you evolved into the better you in so many ways, it's true and sad you cannot dance like you used to, but you earned so much, you are smart and strong, (even if there are week days) and you give other strength !
    life is full of surprises and turns, some suck as you know but some are inspiring and Joyous and lead you to new ways and experiences. it's not just a say "what doesn't break you, makes you stronger" ...i see it on my boy (7 years old now) and from my experience, growing without a father (was killed in the war when i was a baby) whenever there's a crises that looks like the end of the world...we learns and get stronger...and with time we succeed to turn our Baggage to skills... looking back on my childhood and growing up the way i did, my place in the family and such... made me sensitive to details, the hard times made me always look for the aesthetic and beauty side, to make things nicer...and eventually... a designer as an adult...loving it everyday and good at it! so dear ruby, just be you charming self, keep up the hard work, it pays off eventually!! much love, adi

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  5. Hi Ruby. Just read your blog and loved it. Hopefully you will be able to see your new wonderful friends on the outside! Also the hope is that they're not releasing you because you're making good steady improvement. Anyway, we don't know each other but know that your words are being read and soaked up and enjoyed and plus you really are an inspiration, especially to a 73 year old who has to lecture herself to do her yoga every day just to keep it all going....that would be me. My very best to you from Joan Snyder

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  6. That's a great post Ruby! Your voice is strong and so is your spirit and you are inspiring us all. I think about you and your mom all the time and know this is a new road for you, and more difficult than most of us will ever know. I am so impressed by your thinking and writing and send lots of love your way. You rock!! xoxo Jen Parker-Starbuck in London

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  7. My dear Ruby, I am learning so much from your wourds. And you manage to keep a sence of humor. Hung in there my darling. I know it is got to suck but maybe yes u may be next

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  8. Beautiful Ruby! Strong, inspiring, funny, witty, sweet, loving, strong, kind, naughty, fun, intelligent, bright, sensitive, smart...Your beautiful soul, your resilience and determination is exceptional..the love of your friends and family will keep you strong...You are not alone, there is an army of love supporting you.. And love is very powerful...Doctors do not know everything, you are right...But the brain (your thoughts, our thoughts) have a lot of power, so they say through many studies. So, we will be all very positive and send you some extra energy when you feel exhausted and hopeless. Let us know, we are here for you. Do not forget.

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  9. Thanks for being so brave Ruby and your words have now and will forever inspire. We have all grown to love ya!

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  10. Have you seen this? I don't know what the future is, but I'm going to hope!

    http://www.gizmag.com/3d-printed-robotic-exoskeleton/30893/?utm_source=Gizmag+Subscribers&utm_campaign=d07a72f8c1-UA-2235360-4&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_65b67362bd-d07a72f8c1-90262654

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  11. I don't think it matters how long you are in rehab for, as long as you are able to kick the habit. The key is to find pro-social ways of coping with your addictions. This requires some temperament and resilience, but you can totally do it! You've got a lot of people rooting for you!

    https://www.stonehilldbq.com/en/therapy_and_rehab/

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    Replies
    1. Who ARE you? She's not an addict. She's car accident survivor.

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  12. The picture of you & your sister is so beautiful, Ruby. I believe that kind of love does last forever. Sending all my sympathy for your loss.

    Thank you for blogging again about your experience. I love hearing about the people you've met and all their journeys. Please keep writing! I also got a chuckle from the commenter who exhorted you to kick the habit and cope with your addictions. Perhaps you might add "kicking the habit" to your wiggling exercises. :)

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  13. Thanks for posting Ruby. I love your writing, I hope you know that not everyone has the ability to touch others the way you do. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I know that all your hard work to get better will pay off. I think about you often, Sam, Cassie and I send our good wishes.

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  14. Still following your beautiful self..................
    Simone Havel at Peach Lake. xoxoxoxox

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  15. Don't stop writing posts, we missed you :) and get well soon! I know you will <3

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  16. Hello Ruby,
    My name is Matthew Rogers. I was one of the first people on the scene of your accident that night. I want to say so much to you but typing is not my thing. First I am so sorry for what you are going through both with your mobility issues and the loss of your sister. Images of that night haunt me every day and night. I just want you to know I don't think you could have hand picked a better group of emergency professionals. When you were in Albany Medical Center I stopped and saw your dad and mom to check up on all of you and told them to say hello for me. I didn't think that it would be right for me to see you at that time as fresh as thing were. I also told them and will now tell you that your multi colored hair helped me get through that night. I know it sounds weird but it somehow lightened things just a little bit helped me and maybe others get through that night. You can call me any time if it is ok with your family. Your Uncle has my number and email. Keep on wiggling on fighting and never give up on walking . I know you have a fight ahead of you but as we all know you have a great amount of determination in you and great friends and family that will catch you if you stumble. We are all here for you and believe in you.
    Matt Rogers
    Hillsdale, NY

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    Replies
    1. What is your email? I'd love to talk.

      Delete

  17. Hello Ruby! My names Wesley! I'm 16. My grandmother met your grandmother at a pediatrics office she works at. She shared your story and then it got back to me! I'm very sorry about what happened. You have all my support and good thoughts! I will get many of my friends to give you support as well. Life has many ups and downs, but the ups are so much better! You remind me of a friend, so full of energy, such high spirits! If you ever want to talk you can reach me on iMessage, Kik, Skype, or by email:
    Wesley.Kurtz@mail.com
    PS: I like your name >.<

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    ReplyDelete
  19. Short term rehab centers are really helpful and change people's lives for the better. I really like seeing people getting the help that they need an deserve. It is great to help people out when they cannot help themselves.
    Jak Manson | https://www.stonehilldbq.com/en/therapy_and_rehab/

    ReplyDelete