Sunday, May 4, 2014

im back

Hiya everyone! Its worlds most irresponsible blogger again. 
I am back home for about a month now. Here is a very blah entry with lots of teenage angst for you to enjoy: 

I am no longer getting stronger. My body is no longer improving. I have no new feeling or movement in my legs. I am the same as I  was months ago. I am not going to walk. Or run. Or skip. I will never feel the warm sand in between my toes and I will never feel the wet grass beneath my feet. These are horrible truths that are in my face right now. Horrible, horrible realities. Realities I have been dwelling on and questioning, and wishing weren't real.

A few weeks ago I had a very embarrassing moment with my boyfriend. I was so embarrassed and I was crying and crying and crying. This is when he said the most beautiful three words in the world, “Hey, it’s okay.”

He is right. It is okay. Everything is going to be okay. I am okay. I have improved far enough. When I first arrived at rehab, I couldn't even sit up. I couldn't get dressed, it was hard for me to eat, I couldn't use the bathroom, I couldn't bend, I couldn't take a shower… I couldn't even go outside. 

I go outside everyday now. Heck. I am back at school. I am gaining knowledge and learning new things. I am making friends. I am figuring out what i want me to be. I am figuring out what it means to truly love and appreciate. Skills I lacked completely before. I LOVE my family and friends. I appreciate every part of them and everything that they do for me. 

I was never able to love my body. I still don’t. There are times when I totally hate it. One day, back in December I was having a very rough day feeling very miserable about the mushy vegetable I was sitting in. Danielle, lovely rainbow human, said, “It sucks. I know it sucks. But think about all the things your body CAN do.” It can digest food. It can taste. I can feel. I can breath. I can touch. I can learn. And god damn i can go places and I can explore (I hope you're reading this and feel miserable)

I am okay with were I’m at. It is not what I had hoped for, and i will never say that I am glad this happened to me. But everyday when I’m in the elevator at school, someone, a security guard, a teacher, a student, a stranger will say “When you getting up?” “You’ll be back on your feet soon.” “It’s only temporary right?” “Just keep working hard and you can do it.” “Stay positive.” As if I should be ashamed of my almost completely functioning body that just so happens to be sitting on wheels. I am not ashamed. I have so much wheelchair-girl-pride in my heart so please leave me alone.  

<3 <3 <3

I have a lot of thoughts click clacking in my head right now. I really want to publish them. Thank you to everyone who keeps pressuring me to.

Here is another photo of my baby girl. 

i visited her class not to long ago. Maybe I should write about that.

I am supposed to be asleep now but I just got very thinky and needed to write. Sorry mom.
Much big love to everyone.